Gönan Premfors is a pioneering coach, business founder, child advocate, and creator of parenting and trust curriculum that has been delivered in more than 30 cities on four continents. Full bio at the end of the post.
The rebellious teenager has been a staple in popular culture for decades. From James Dean's "Rebel Without a Cause" to countless modern TV dramas, the image of teenagers defying authority and pushing boundaries is deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness. However, through nearly two decades of work with thousands of parents, I have concluded that this perception is mostly wrong.
The much romanticized rebellious teen isn't much more than a young person trying to calibrate their world.
When We Make Life Difficult for Our Kids
Most parents don’t realize how prescriptive their parenting can be. We set rules, expectations, and consequences if behavior doesn't measure up. This approach often leads to unhappiness in kids, especially as they grow and realize their own power. When kids feel they don’t have a say and their voice doesn’t matter, challenges arise once they become teenagers.
How strict is your parenting style?
When Kids Push Back:
As kids grow, they realize their parents aren't the all-powerful figures they once seemed. The word “NO” becomes a teenager's secret weapon because there isn’t much you can do if a teen refuses to comply. Taking away their phones or restricting their social life will only push them to a state of permanent refusal. You won’t win that fight.
Expert Tip #1: Always remember that your child is a learning machine figuring out how they fit in a very big world. Be patient, be curious, allow them the space they deserve. They will love you for it.
The Science Is Not an Excuse:
While it’s scientifically proven that teens go through significant physical, emotional, and cognitive changes, this can’t be used as an excuse for poor parenting. During their transition from childhood to adulthood, teens develop a desire for independence and self-discovery, leading them to question rules and expectations. This is not a sign of a bad attitude but a healthy way to question everything. The key is how well prepared you are to examine yourself and your parenting.
Invest in your relationships with your kids and make them successful partnerships.
The Hard Versus the Easy Way
The Hard Way: If you want to make life difficult for both you and your kids, continue to use traditional parenting methods: tell them what to do, set all the rules, and ensure they meet family expectations without giving them any say.
A few things to look out for:
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Being very strict and using your power to get your way
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Setting a lot of rules without the kids having a say
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Using threats and punishment
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Pulling the “I’m the parent” card or saying “because I tell you to”
During a regular week how many of the above four options will you use
Recognizing one or more of these behaviors almost guarantees conflict when your normally compliant kid starts to question you.
Expert Tip #2: When your kids start to question something, get curious and explore what it is they react to. Often they have a point.
Let’s allow our kids to focus on what is important in life instead of spending energy fighting family dynamics. We, as parents, need to get off our high horse and take a good look at how we treat our kids.
The Easy Way: Like anything in life, if you feel valued and included, you are more likely to be invested. Learn to include your kids in family decisions, ask them what they need, and share what you need. Any relationship that is co-designed is more inclusive. If kids feel that their voice matters, they are less likely to rebel or engage in risky behavior (sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.).
It's our responsibility to make our children feel included and safe around us.
Empower the Whole Family:
A powerful way to include and empower everyone is to have regular family meetings, known as Family Councils. These meetings create a space where everyone can voice their thoughts and opinions on a variety of topics, from dinner plans to holiday destinations. By creating an agenda and allowing everyone to contribute, you ensure that all family members feel heard and valued.
This approach fosters better communication, strengthens family bonds, and most importantly helps your kids feel seen and heard.
Explore the concept of a Family Council here and see how it can impact your family today.
About the Author: Gönan Premfors is a pioneering coach, business founder, child advocate, and creator of a parenting and trust curriculum delivered in more than 30 cities on four continents. She is the founder of The Coaches Training Institute in Dubai and is a global faculty member for The Co-Active Training Institute (U.S.A.). Gönan has dedicated more than two decades to working with thousands of executives, leaders, athletes, and parents, helping them navigate the complexities of leading, managing, and raising children in a rapidly changing world.
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